Sunday, March 13, 2016

Dear Daisy Hope

Dear Daisy Hope,

Last Friday night, we had to take you to the ER, you were having an allergic reaction to something and momma and daddy couldn't figure out what. You were uncomfortable, and sad and wanted someone to hold you, but we had to be in the car and your brother's car seat makes it impossible for momma to sit next to you when you're sad anymore.  We tried talking to you, singing, and being silly and nothing was working . You were mad and you were going to let everyone know.

Then momma remembered the secret weapon, "Healer" by Kari Jobe. It's been your favorite song since you came bursting into this world. Momma listened to it probably one hundred times while you and I were on bed rest. When you were just days old, it was the only song that could get you to calm down, and it has continued to be your favorite and the only song that will calm you down when you are truly having a moment. So I turned it on, and you calmed down almost instantly.

I love this song, and I know the words by heart, and I have prayed this song over you many times. I prayed this song over you, before you even existed. But this time, the lyrics hit momma a little differently. These specifically:

"Noting is impossible for you
Nothing is impossible
Nothing is impossible for You
You hold my world in Your hands

And I believe You're my poriton
Lord I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus You're all I need
More than enough for me 
Jesus you're all I need."

I just prayed that you would find comfort in these words all the days of your life. I sat in the car on the way to the ER and prayed that you would remember that nothing is impossible for Jesus. Daddy and I trust that God holds your world in His hands, but that you would trust in that too. That you would trust and know that He holds your whole world in His hands, and you could just rest in that. That all the days of your life Jesus would be more than enough for you. I pray that you would feel the overwhelming presence of God all around you, in every way. That you would believe that Jesus is your healer and you can depend on Him, and lean on Him all your days. He is all you need baby girl, forever and for always. Your very life is a miracle that we thank Jesus for every day. 

Baby bear, I love you more than words could ever say.


Momma Bear 

Wednesday, March 9, 2016

Not a Fairy Tale

As many of you know Seth and I took our first Foster Placement on November 30th. It has been a roller coaster that we don't ever want to get off since that day.

C on his first night at our house.
I have said one phrase over and over again these last three months, "Foster Care is not a fairy tale." I think somewhere inside of me, before we got a placement, I thought it might be. I have watched Foster Care happen all around me, in the most loving ways, for as long as I can almost remember. I saw firsthand in their lives, how much of a fairy tale it was not. But somehow in my mind I had forgotten all of this.  And while going through the process of getting licensed I got the fairy tale set back up inmy head. We were going to "save" a little kiddo and they were going to love us and we were going to love them and we were all going to live happily ever after. Even if that happily ever after wasn't forever, I was totally fine with that. Never in a million years, did the fairy tale include a picture of a little boy so scared of us that he didn't know which end was up. I never pictured hours (have mercy) long fits that I had no frame of reference on how to stop. I didn't imagine him coming home from visits so confused that he just didn't even know what to do with himself, so instead he shutdown, and he didn't want me or anyone, or anything else for that matter.

I also didn't imagine how deeply attached to this little boy I (we) was going to get. If you've asked me in the last couple of months, how long C was going to be staying with us, or if he was ever going to go home, I've probably told you all the same thing. Simply, because it's all I know to tell you. "C's momma loves him very much, and I think she's going to do all the things she needs to do to get him back at home with her. We are here to love C for as long as he needs to be loved, if he needs us to love him forever, we would be honored to do that." And that is so true. I truly believed that when I got the call for C to go home to his momma, I was going to be totally fine. Until it became a reality. (Don't hear me saying I have a date and a time frame for when he will get to go home and be with his momma and siblings forever, we still do not.) We go to court for C about once a month and get to hear the progress in his case. His momma is doing so well, and is doing everything she needs to do. And I am so happy for her and C. I am over the moon thrilled, because I believe in the depths of my soul that God wants babies and mommas and daddies to be together. But that means that this little person that has crawled his way deep inside of my heart, isn't going to be with me forever. And while at the beginning, before I had a tiny human that didn't actually belong to me, living in my house, I said that would be no problem. I feel as if my heart is being ripped out of my chest, and it hasn't even happened yet.

The real problem is that my heart doesn't even ache the most for me. C has deep attachment issues, and I worry that going back home might cause him more harm than good, in the long run. Daisy Hope loves C like her very own brother. They look for each other in the morning if one of them is awake before the other. They look out for each other, sneak food to each other when they think momma isn't looking (ahem), hold hands in the back seat of my car (be still my ever loving heart), hold hands when one of them is sad, and go out of their way to make each other laugh. I worry that Daisy Hope will somewhere in her tiny being resent us for "making" her love her brother, and then "taking" him away from her. I worry for our families that have invested so much in his little life, and gladly so, being heartbroken after he comes home. I worry for Seth, being so shattered after C goes home, that we can't ever do Foster Care again.
They love to love each other. 

Then I remember, the future isn't mine to worry about. God already has this whole story figured out. He already knows the exact date and hour that C will go home. I remember that God knew that C and Daisy Hope were going to attach to one another, and he as good already worked out of that. I am reminded that God made our families to love him alongside of us, so that C could feel wanted and loved as long as his story is mingled with ours. I remember that God had C written into our stories before Seth and I ever met one another.  Then I can breathe again, and I can remember that Foster Care isn't about me. It's not even about Daisy Hope, Seth or our families. It's all about C and reflecting God's love to him, for as long as we are allowed to.

I plan to hold on as tightly as I can to those things, and not let go.

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

26 weeks.

I'm finally up to date!

Woo hoo! 

Daisy is getting bigger by the moment, so that means I am too! 

My swelling has gotten to the point, that if I want to do anything on Friday or Saturday evenings, I have to stay in bed with my feet up almost all day so I can enjoy whatever activity we are doing.  I’m not complaining, I've gotten a lot of reading and watching Netflix in these past couple of days! That also means that I am more still so Daisy is awake more and I can feel and watch her move.

 God is good, amen? 

How far along? 26 Weeks (Week of September, 1)

Total weight gain: Not sure… the computers were down at the doctors office at my last appointment, so she couldn’t tell me! I think it’s about 8 pounds now though!

Maternity clothes? Yes.  I’m getting a little nervous about the cold weather clothing situation! I finally did find one pair jeans!

Stretch marks? They are still there. : /

Sleep: I’ve been sleeping a little better.  I did have a few of those awake 1:00a-4:00a nights these last weeks, but nothing terrible.

Best moment this week: We did get to see the Cardinals beat the Brewers this week in Milwaukee! That was fun.  Seth and I have got to watch a lot of baseball together this summer.  It’s one of his favorite things to do, and I love doing it with him!

Miss Anything? Extra caffeine. Yes, that would be nice.

Movement: Daisy Hope loves to move and move.  Especially when mom is trying to sleep. : ) 

Food cravings:  Carmel Apple Everything.  Good thing fall is coming, otherwise this would be difficult. I seem to be hungry all the time now.  I'm still trying to be very careful and not gain a bunch of weight... seems to be going well so far! 

Anything making you queasy or sick: My heartburn has been sort of icky the last couple of days, but nothing too bad! 

Have you started to show yet:  For sure.  We went to St. Louis over Labor Day weekend and I swear I woke up in our hotel room twice the size I went to sleep!

Gender: Girl.  

Labor Signs: None.

Symptoms:  The swelling is still back and hard.  It’s spread to my hands, which isn’t my favorite thing.  My back is also sore a lot.  But I get lots of prenatal massages, so that has been awesome. 

Things I’m looking forward to: Still looking forward to getting her nursery together.  My Pinterest boards are probably getting tired of me pinning to them. : ) We haven’t had a lot of time, but I think we finally have a date on the calendar for them, I can’t wait! 

24 weeks.

Written: 08/27/14

So… It’s been a little busy around the Robert’s life the last little while.

I meant to do this every 2 weeks for those of you playing along at home, but not able to see us as much as we would like!

We revealed that Baby Roberts 2014 is Daisy Hope Roberts on June 21st, surrounded by family and friends.  That night was such a blessing, I’m so thankful for it.

We moved the first of July into a house in Waukesha, owned by dear friends of ours that we are renting from! We love it.  It has been so fun getting to paint and update things to fit our style. We have had  a lot of fun, and a lot of help! Which we are so thankful for! So I was 16 weeks when we moved, and that is when the swelling settled in.  I have had awful swelling in my legs and ankles, since then!

My best friend got married on July, 25th. Daisy’s first wedding, how perfect. <3

Seth went to Colorado for a mission trip with our high school students on July 26th.  I had been SUPER emotional for about 4 week leading up to this (not having anything to do with this... just crazy hormones). The day he left I couldn't stop crying, you would have thought that the man died. It was pitiful.  Let's just say not being able to reach a bottle of Dr. Pepper sent me into a crying fit in the middle of Wal-Mart.  It was bad, people, real bad. Thankfully Seth's sister Kerri was staying with me, and kept me sane all week!

When I was 20 weeks I went in for a little check-up, that was supposed to take 15 minutes.  However, my doctor was a little concerned by my swelling and sent me to the hospital for some tests.  The tests came back normal, and all is well.  That was a great test for Seth and I to really rely on God.  With so much that can go wrong in a pregnancy it’s easy to worry and toil.  I’m so glad that my God is bigger than all of that.

How far along? 24 Weeks (Week of August, 18)

Total weight gain: 5 pounds

Maternity clothes? Oh you better believe it! Some of my shirts are getting a little short. : )

Stretch marks? Sadly yes, Alayna thinks they are funny. : )

Sleep: Sleep has been iffy at best these days.  Some night I sleep great, and some nights not so much!

Best moment this week: I turned 23 this week and got to celebrate with my family and friends! It was wonderful.

Miss Anything? Nope!

Movement: Oh yes, this sweet baby girl kicks up a storm! 

Food cravings:  Fruit, chocolate muffins and breakfast food. 

Anything making you queasy or sick: Not really! That passed a while ago, and I’m so thankful! 

Have you started to show yet:  Oh yes, she is here people!

Gender: GIRL 

Labor Signs: None.

Symptoms: Just the swelling! 

Things I’m looking forward to: Getting Daisy’s nursery together! We have slowly been gathering things, but we need to get it together! 

8 weeks.

Written on: 05/04/14

8 Weeks. 2 Months. Unbelievable. 

8 weeks of sweet baby pregnancy.  I really like being pregnant.  I think it is cool that God has made this tiny human inside of me that I get to keep safe until it is time to enter the world! It’s just amazing to me, only God could write a story like that.  We are so in love, and it’s only been 8 weeks! 

We had a little bit of a scare moment last week.  I was having some pain consistent with cyst pain that I had experienced in the past.  The pain was concerning to the doctor coupled with the fact that my silly intestines were very, very inflamed.  My doctor asked that I get an early, internal, ultrasound at the hospital when I was 7 weeks.  Which was Thursday, April 24th.  They wanted to check for fetal viability and she wanted to make sure we were only dealing with one sweet babe! The possibility of 2 babies made my heart flutter, with excitement. However the ultrasound not only confirmed that baby was just fine, there was also only one sweet baby safe and sound in there. : ) We got to *see* the heartbeat on that monitor.  Seeing that tiny little flutter was absolutely the single most amazing thing that I have ever experienced in my life.  I’m so, so thankful.  God is so good. 

I had an icky sinus infection and touch of bronchitis this week.  Which wasn’t that fun.  I also had my first pregnancy migraine which had poor Seth in a panic.  I got them before I was pregnant, but now I can’t take any of my medicine.  It’s just hard to not know what to do yet.  

We got to take some sweet announcement photos this week with the ever talented Amy Sprengel.  Here are some of our favorites. 

Aren’t those just the best thing ever!? We had SO much fun and I am so thankful that we had the opportunity to do this! 

How far along? 8 weeks 

Total weight gain: I actually lost 4 pounds, apparently this is normal. : )

Maternity clothes? Nope.

Stretch marks? Not yet!

Sleep: I am tired all the time.  However, my body has decided that it would like to be away around 5:30a or 6:00a every. single. day.  No exceptions.  This is VERY unusual for those of you that know me.  I’m not really an early morning lady, I rock 11:00a like nobodies business.  Now don’t get me wrong, once I’m up, I’m up, ready and happy to go.  I think that God is getting me ready for baby wake up calls.  Which I am ridiculously looking forward to.

Best moment this week: Seth and I got to spend quite a bit of time together this week cooking, laughing, and laying on our couch.  Those moments had been pretty few and far between, so I’m thankful there were lots this week.

Miss Anything? Nope!

Movement: Not yet.

Food cravings: Fruit, ranch, vanilla milkshakes and chicken farfalle. Seth has been the bomb about any and all cravings! He's just the best. 

Anything making you queasy or sick:  My sense of smell is still a little cray.  I also turned the eating corner this week.  I have to eat every 2 hours or I feel like I’m going to throw up and/or pass out.  Not my two favorite feelings, so I try to avoid them. : ) 

Have you started to show yet: No

Gender: TBD

Labor Signs: None.

Symptoms: Sense of smell, tenderness, crying a lot (read: all the freaking time), I cannot stop.  Even a commercial can send me over the edge, watch out people! : ) 

Things I’m looking forward to: We get to hear the heart beat this week at my 9-week appointment.  I. Cannot. Wait.  That might also be the biggest understatement of the century.  

6 weeks: 4 days.

Written: 04/16/14

We are now 6 weeks and 4 days into the Baby Roberts adventure!

We cannot wait to tell everyone and even more I cannot wait until he/she gets here, I feel like I’m going to burst!

 I cannot believe I have to wait almost 6 more weeks to tell everyone something I’ve been dying to have to tell for a little over a year.

Seth and I have been praying for a baby for over a year.  That seems like an eternity to us, when really it was not long at all.  Many people have to wait even longer and sometimes their answer is no.  We are so thankful for all the people who have been excited for us and with us, and prayed for us before and now. To those of you who cried with me, prayed with me, laughed with me and had a dance party in a back closet for me, thank you.  Your excitement has made this exciting announcement even more exciting. God is so good and it is only because of Him that Seth and I even have exciting news to share at all! It was sort of a long road, with a lot of hard and a lot of sadness. But God is always glorified, even if we have to wait.

Our first OB appointment will be on May 7th.  I made it the day I found out (April 4th) and I feel like it is never going to come! I’m so excited for it, I can hardly stand it! But I’m also have a lot of fear. Every cramp or bit of pain makes me wonder. But, I know that everything is going to be fine. Baby Roberts is probably loving being all snuggled up inside me, oblivious to everything I know I am sure loving having them in there, with me all the time.

How far along? 6 weeks, four days.

Total weight gain: None.

Maternity clothes? Nope.

Stretch marks? Thank goodness not yet!

Sleep: I am tired all the time.  Although I seem to be waking up a few times every night.  Baby makes my back hurt and it’s hard to sleep.

Best moment this week: Getting to take 2 naps. : )

Miss Anything? Nope!

Movement: Not yet.

Food cravings: Fruit, ranch and pickles.  Don’t worry, not all together... yet : )

Anything making you queasy or sick:  My sense of smell is crazy. I feel likes it’s a superpower I wish would go away! I'm not really hungry until I feel like I'm going to pass out.  Appetite is absolutely gone

Have you started to show yet: No

Gender: TBD

Labor Signs: None.

Symptoms: Sense of smell, tenderness, cramping, wicked heartburn, super sleepy, super duper sleepy oh and did I mention sleepy!?

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Hurry Up

Yesterday I noticed an epidemic in our society and it really got me thinking.  

I was at Target and there was this woman frantically running around with her child to get to the check-out and leave.  At one point she darted into one line, grabbed a soda and then frantically pushed her way in front of me so she could check out before me.  She then huffed when she got all of her things piled on the conveyor belt and a sweet teenage boy opened the check-out next to us.  She hurried the checkout girl and then ran out the door and threw everything (including her child) into her SUV and peeled out of the parking lot.  A few hours later I witnessed more hurrying when I almost got hit by a man last night because he didn’t stop at a stop sign and then raced off into the night. Now, I am not discounting the fact that these people may have truly had somewhere very important to be... it just really made me stop and think. 

I began to wonder so many things.  Not only why were these two people in such a humungous hurry, but why are we all in such a hurry?  I constantly have to remind myself to slow down and really experience things. It doesn't matter what I am doing or who I am with, I have to force myself to be in the moment.  To not worry about the next step, but really to be in the moment that God has given me.  Why can we never be still, and calm in today society? 

 I also then started thinking about this in alignment to my relationship with God.  How often do I race ahead of Him? How often do I tell myself that it's OK to race ahead of Him?  I find myself thinking, toiling, and striving to try and get things done faster and better. Not even stopping to think how laughable it is that I think I can get things done faster and better than the God of the universe.  I forget that in His perfect timing exactly what He has planned for my life will happen exactly when He wants it to happen.  No amount of worrying or planning can make God's plan for my life happen any better than he has already planned it since the beginning of time. There is great peace in that. 

But I think that we all do this all too often, and when we do this we are really questioning the sovereignty of God.  We worry that if we really put all of our trust in Him then we may lose out on something that WE really wanted for our lives.  Instead of remembering that what God has planned for us is always best, even if it isn’t always easy or what we wanted and planned for our lives. 

We can find ourselves questioning if He really knows, “…the plans He has for us…” are they really, “… plans to prosper and not to harm us, plans to give us a hope and a future…”? I think sometimes if we really look deep into the hearts of every believer, and non-believer for that matter, we will find the fear that if don’t get this figured out then no one else will.  We sometimes fear that includes the God that has promised to love us until the very end of the age. 

We see in Exodus 14:14, "The LORD your God will fight for you, you need only to be still." The God who sent His son to die on the cross for you has promised in His word that He will fight for you, just be still. I think that sometimes God does ask us to act, but sometimes He doesn't ask us to act.  He asks us to be still and allow Him do His work through us. I believe that when do this we can really feel the full power and love of the God of the universe.  When we stop to realize that we don’t have to have everything figured out, because the one who formed us in our mother’s wombs and has loved us even the midst of our deepest darkest pits already has our whole story written out. Not only does He have our whole story written out but he is already waiting at the end of it.  We don’t have to hurry and rush around to figure everything out.  If we seek God in His word and with prayer He will reveal His will to us, in His perfect timing.  We won’t then, have to wonder what God has for us and rush to get there, because He will show us with great love and unending mercy. 

He’s already there.